Just prior to getting married I requested to be moved from Investigative Services Division back to patrol because of the stress factor. At the time, my blood pressure had elevated and I had even had a trip to the hospital because of it. After we were married things were going pretty well until the holidays approached. When the holidays and the month of February approached I began to think a lot more about my dad and my friend. I began to close myself off from my wife and it was taking its toll on her. I didn't see what it was doing to her because I was so consumed by my own depression and grief. By the time February rolled around I had shut her out completely. Of course, she would get upset but instead of talking and trying to solve the issue I became more upset. It was so early in our marriage dealing with this kind of problem seemed too big for me to handle. Instead of talking with my wife and getting support I turned my back on her thinking in some strange way that I was protecting her from the grief when really I was causing so much more.
After a couple of months of this things had gotten pretty tense and my wife cornered me with the problem and things had come to a head. It was up to me to make things right. I loved (still do) my wife so I wanted to do whatever it took to preserve our marriage and she did too. To make things right with her I went to church. I thought my intentions were good and I was in church so that's all that counts right? Nope. I went to church not for me or for God but to make my wife happy. My heart was not open to it although I didn't realize it at the time. God knew my heart better than I did. You just can't fool Jesus. But after I made amends with my wife I soon quit going to church at all. The sad part was this interfered with her spiritual growth as well. She usually wouldn't go to church without me.
We found out in the spring she was pregnant, and I was excited because I felt this would be a good thing for us. We found out that it was gonna be a boy and I was thrilled because I wanted a boy and to be able to pass down my name that was my daddy's name.
Later that year I was promoted to Sergeant over a shift and thought that things would soon get better. Overall the wife and I were better though we had moments because of the "open wounds". Without God in our life there really was no way to heal our marriage fully although I didn't acknowledge that. In some ways, I think I still had my resentments toward God for allowing this to happen, or so I told myself that He allowed it to happen anyway. I really didn't see why I needed to go to church because of the things that happened and I could take care of myself, or so I thought.
My son was born in February of 2005 and I was very happy for him to be here. I was really hoping things were turning around for me but I still felt something wasn't right. My temper was still high and my stress level was through the roof. During the summer of 2005 my oldest son moved in with me and started school in the fall. My wife and I sent him to a christian school and he did well there. Again, I was hoping that things were looking up for me.
By the time 2006 rolled around I was feeling so much anxiety and stress it was unbelievable. I was absolutely not content with my job and emotionally I couldn't handle being on certain types of scenes and calls. I was still feeling very angry about a lot of things from my past and just couldn't seem to suppress it. My oldest son decided that in February 2006 he wanted to move back in with his mother to be home schooled. I pulled myself through most of the year until the fall. In October of 2006 I went to a scene where a man was burned alive and I arrived while the scene was still fresh. It was horrific and the smell was unmistakable. Seeing him was engraved in my mind forever.
I went home and told my wife that I wanted out while I cried on her shoulder. I felt weak and less than a man at that time but mentally I was beat. She told me she would stand by whatever decision I made. This was all happening while we were trying to sell our house and buy a new one. Once we closed on the new house I put in my two weeks notice and left the Sumter PD November 23, 2006.
I felt as if I was being tortured on the inside in a sense and I wasn't able to get any kind of relief. Quitting the police department I felt was going to give me a second chance at having a normal existence. Of course, I still had not turned to God yet but He was still looking out for me. I didn't know it yet but He was. My next post will be about the next stage of my life working outside of law enforcement and the trial that came with that as well. God has loved me through all of this and though he has let me go through the things I've gone through He has been my protector the whole time even when I didn't acknowledge Him or deserve it.
Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
After a couple of months of this things had gotten pretty tense and my wife cornered me with the problem and things had come to a head. It was up to me to make things right. I loved (still do) my wife so I wanted to do whatever it took to preserve our marriage and she did too. To make things right with her I went to church. I thought my intentions were good and I was in church so that's all that counts right? Nope. I went to church not for me or for God but to make my wife happy. My heart was not open to it although I didn't realize it at the time. God knew my heart better than I did. You just can't fool Jesus. But after I made amends with my wife I soon quit going to church at all. The sad part was this interfered with her spiritual growth as well. She usually wouldn't go to church without me.
We found out in the spring she was pregnant, and I was excited because I felt this would be a good thing for us. We found out that it was gonna be a boy and I was thrilled because I wanted a boy and to be able to pass down my name that was my daddy's name.
Later that year I was promoted to Sergeant over a shift and thought that things would soon get better. Overall the wife and I were better though we had moments because of the "open wounds". Without God in our life there really was no way to heal our marriage fully although I didn't acknowledge that. In some ways, I think I still had my resentments toward God for allowing this to happen, or so I told myself that He allowed it to happen anyway. I really didn't see why I needed to go to church because of the things that happened and I could take care of myself, or so I thought.
My son was born in February of 2005 and I was very happy for him to be here. I was really hoping things were turning around for me but I still felt something wasn't right. My temper was still high and my stress level was through the roof. During the summer of 2005 my oldest son moved in with me and started school in the fall. My wife and I sent him to a christian school and he did well there. Again, I was hoping that things were looking up for me.
By the time 2006 rolled around I was feeling so much anxiety and stress it was unbelievable. I was absolutely not content with my job and emotionally I couldn't handle being on certain types of scenes and calls. I was still feeling very angry about a lot of things from my past and just couldn't seem to suppress it. My oldest son decided that in February 2006 he wanted to move back in with his mother to be home schooled. I pulled myself through most of the year until the fall. In October of 2006 I went to a scene where a man was burned alive and I arrived while the scene was still fresh. It was horrific and the smell was unmistakable. Seeing him was engraved in my mind forever.
I went home and told my wife that I wanted out while I cried on her shoulder. I felt weak and less than a man at that time but mentally I was beat. She told me she would stand by whatever decision I made. This was all happening while we were trying to sell our house and buy a new one. Once we closed on the new house I put in my two weeks notice and left the Sumter PD November 23, 2006.
I felt as if I was being tortured on the inside in a sense and I wasn't able to get any kind of relief. Quitting the police department I felt was going to give me a second chance at having a normal existence. Of course, I still had not turned to God yet but He was still looking out for me. I didn't know it yet but He was. My next post will be about the next stage of my life working outside of law enforcement and the trial that came with that as well. God has loved me through all of this and though he has let me go through the things I've gone through He has been my protector the whole time even when I didn't acknowledge Him or deserve it.
Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
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