Its been many months since I last posted. In that time there have been ups and downs. There have been struggles and triumphs. I will be honest and say that I'm not where I'd hoped to be in my faith at this point. I certainly haven't been as faithful as I should be in my bible study. Although I am further along than I was ten years ago, I'm not nearly as far along as I should be. Now I know God does things in His own time but I think we contribute to the length of that time based on our diligence in following His commands. My diligence has been lacking in a lot of areas. I guess I will say since I began trying to reconnect with God, I have taken 10 steps forward, but three steps back. So you see, I am further along than I was but again I am not where I should be.
I guess it is lucky for me that God is forgiving, merciful, and loving because I have not been a good steward. What is funny is that I know where I want to be (walking with Christ) and I know how to get there (Scripture and prayer) but my spirit is weak. My spirit is weak because I have allowed that to happen but I still have a faithful God. He has not given up on me, so who am I to give up on me! I continue to go to church (again not as diligently but most Sundays) and occasionally read scripture. The time that I do spend in church and scripture is what has kept me in the fight and from totally letting myself go.
I remind myself of scripture that says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). That verse is something that I have to remind myself of daily. The one thing I want to avoid though is allowing that verse to become a "crutch". This is the trap a lot of Christians fall into in my opinion. We sin against God and then begin to use the verse as "crutch" to just continue down our path of sin. God knows we are born sinners and that we are going to sin but He also knows our heart when we sin and if we do it purposefully feeling that scripture just negates consequences of our sin. Guess what? It doesn't. You may have forgiveness but let me tell you first hand that you WILL have consequences. Just think of it as if God is one of your parents. Your dad expects you to act sensibly and not get into trouble. When you do get into trouble, though it may have been a lapse in judgement, you still pay for what you did. Your dad of course forgives you but still dispenses discipline. Now if you just go around getting into trouble constantly just thinking, "Oh well my dad will forgive me", then wouldn't you expect the discipline to be much more harsh. And yes, like God, your dad will forgive you but discipline is dispensed, nonetheless.
There have been times since my last post that I've felt very down on myself and questioned whether I really had it in me to be the Christian I had hoped to be. This of course is my fault for not being diligent and giving Satan enough room to step in to the space that I was leaving open by not occupying that space with prayer and scripture. The worst part for me is that a lot of people knew I was trying to reconnect and I feel like I have been a stumbling block for them because my life doesn't reflect what it should. I do know that all I can do is keep pushing which is exactly what I am going to do. I have good people that I can depend on for support but I haven't used those people to help me in my walk.
When I first started trying to get close to God again I really felt like He was calling me and I wanted to hear Him so bad and do His will because I felt like I had ignored Him (which I did) my whole life. I really made things more complicated than what they had to be. Sometimes when you try to listen too hard you hear a lot of noise that really distorts the message. When you start listening with your heart instead of your head is when you begin hearing what God is trying to tell you. Just like anything else you do you have to work your way to the next step whatever that next step may be. If you try to leap to the next step then there is a good chance you're going to fall on your face. Yep, that's what I did. I fell flat on my face but God keeps picking me up and dusting me off hoping that I'll get it right.
The first thing is I have to become much more well versed in the scripture. The second thing would be witness to people and talk about my faith. And finally, I must be a true servant to God. I have not been a great witness, in fact, I have not been a witness at all really. The last part, being a true servant to God, is something I want to elaborate on a little more. I had the privilege of going to an ordination on March 24th to see my pastor's son become ordained. My pastor, Tommy Atkinson, did the service for his son's ordination and he really made me think about a lot of things. He spoke about his father's character as a willing servant to God and God's church. Pastor Atkinson said his father would never complain about anything he was asked to do and many times did the task that nobody else wanted to do. He had a servant's heart and that is what we all should strive to have. I have a lot of work to do in that area but it is something that I want to work on. Pastor Atkinson really put a lot of things into perspective for me with that sermon. If I have a servants heart then God's message will always be clear. God will not put anything before me that I can't handle and He will lead me where He wants me to be as long as I have a servant's heart. I learned that God calls all of His people in their own way and each have a ministry to offer. You don't have to be a pastor to have a ministry. Your daily life can act as a ministry for people. Your ministry may be at work, as a volunteer, or in the church in various capacities. Doing all you can for your fellow man as a servant of God, in whatever role you were called to play, is one of the most important things a Christian can do.
I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go but it can be done. Satan has tried his best at making me feel less than adequate to be of service to God, but God has already won, so I just have to keep the faith and press on. Some of my worries have been about what other people thought about my ability to walk this walk but I have really tried to teach myself that it doesn't really matter what they think. It matters what God thinks because He knows whats in my heart even though I may struggle outwardly showing it. Its just a work in progress. I fall daily but as long as I keep getting back up that's whats important. Of course, when I say it doesn't matter what they think don't get me wrong. My testimony is very important and it's my responsibility for what I do and how I show it. I guess I mean there are always going to be those that question your sincerity but as long as you are leading by example then let God take care of what is in their heart.
Joel 2:12 (NIV)
“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
I guess it is lucky for me that God is forgiving, merciful, and loving because I have not been a good steward. What is funny is that I know where I want to be (walking with Christ) and I know how to get there (Scripture and prayer) but my spirit is weak. My spirit is weak because I have allowed that to happen but I still have a faithful God. He has not given up on me, so who am I to give up on me! I continue to go to church (again not as diligently but most Sundays) and occasionally read scripture. The time that I do spend in church and scripture is what has kept me in the fight and from totally letting myself go.
I remind myself of scripture that says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). That verse is something that I have to remind myself of daily. The one thing I want to avoid though is allowing that verse to become a "crutch". This is the trap a lot of Christians fall into in my opinion. We sin against God and then begin to use the verse as "crutch" to just continue down our path of sin. God knows we are born sinners and that we are going to sin but He also knows our heart when we sin and if we do it purposefully feeling that scripture just negates consequences of our sin. Guess what? It doesn't. You may have forgiveness but let me tell you first hand that you WILL have consequences. Just think of it as if God is one of your parents. Your dad expects you to act sensibly and not get into trouble. When you do get into trouble, though it may have been a lapse in judgement, you still pay for what you did. Your dad of course forgives you but still dispenses discipline. Now if you just go around getting into trouble constantly just thinking, "Oh well my dad will forgive me", then wouldn't you expect the discipline to be much more harsh. And yes, like God, your dad will forgive you but discipline is dispensed, nonetheless.
There have been times since my last post that I've felt very down on myself and questioned whether I really had it in me to be the Christian I had hoped to be. This of course is my fault for not being diligent and giving Satan enough room to step in to the space that I was leaving open by not occupying that space with prayer and scripture. The worst part for me is that a lot of people knew I was trying to reconnect and I feel like I have been a stumbling block for them because my life doesn't reflect what it should. I do know that all I can do is keep pushing which is exactly what I am going to do. I have good people that I can depend on for support but I haven't used those people to help me in my walk.
When I first started trying to get close to God again I really felt like He was calling me and I wanted to hear Him so bad and do His will because I felt like I had ignored Him (which I did) my whole life. I really made things more complicated than what they had to be. Sometimes when you try to listen too hard you hear a lot of noise that really distorts the message. When you start listening with your heart instead of your head is when you begin hearing what God is trying to tell you. Just like anything else you do you have to work your way to the next step whatever that next step may be. If you try to leap to the next step then there is a good chance you're going to fall on your face. Yep, that's what I did. I fell flat on my face but God keeps picking me up and dusting me off hoping that I'll get it right.
The first thing is I have to become much more well versed in the scripture. The second thing would be witness to people and talk about my faith. And finally, I must be a true servant to God. I have not been a great witness, in fact, I have not been a witness at all really. The last part, being a true servant to God, is something I want to elaborate on a little more. I had the privilege of going to an ordination on March 24th to see my pastor's son become ordained. My pastor, Tommy Atkinson, did the service for his son's ordination and he really made me think about a lot of things. He spoke about his father's character as a willing servant to God and God's church. Pastor Atkinson said his father would never complain about anything he was asked to do and many times did the task that nobody else wanted to do. He had a servant's heart and that is what we all should strive to have. I have a lot of work to do in that area but it is something that I want to work on. Pastor Atkinson really put a lot of things into perspective for me with that sermon. If I have a servants heart then God's message will always be clear. God will not put anything before me that I can't handle and He will lead me where He wants me to be as long as I have a servant's heart. I learned that God calls all of His people in their own way and each have a ministry to offer. You don't have to be a pastor to have a ministry. Your daily life can act as a ministry for people. Your ministry may be at work, as a volunteer, or in the church in various capacities. Doing all you can for your fellow man as a servant of God, in whatever role you were called to play, is one of the most important things a Christian can do.
I have a lot of work to do and a long way to go but it can be done. Satan has tried his best at making me feel less than adequate to be of service to God, but God has already won, so I just have to keep the faith and press on. Some of my worries have been about what other people thought about my ability to walk this walk but I have really tried to teach myself that it doesn't really matter what they think. It matters what God thinks because He knows whats in my heart even though I may struggle outwardly showing it. Its just a work in progress. I fall daily but as long as I keep getting back up that's whats important. Of course, when I say it doesn't matter what they think don't get me wrong. My testimony is very important and it's my responsibility for what I do and how I show it. I guess I mean there are always going to be those that question your sincerity but as long as you are leading by example then let God take care of what is in their heart.
Joel 2:12 (NIV)
“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
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