After my dad committed suicide, I didn't want to stay in the apartment I was in because we both lived there together at one point in time. Things reminded me of him, and all of the years I wasted distancing myself from him as a teen because I was upset with him. Now, the time I had to reconcile had passed. He was dead and I completely blamed myself (still do in a lot of ways).
I moved in with two friends of mine. One of those friends was married and owned the house we were all staying in. It became crowded pretty quickly so the other roommate that was single rented a mobile home and I decided to split rent with him. During this entire year, I was pretty emotionally drained and still very angry. I still was able to see my kids at my roommates home but still didn't keep them overnight. In all honesty I was beginning to get depressed even though I didn't see it. During this time I still wasn't in church and honestly didn't give a thought about God. Even though I didn't drink much when I did drink it was in excess. That is really the only time I prayed and that was because I was praying for relief from being so drunk I was sick.
As time went by, I had another friend that was also one of my co-workers at the police department who was going through a divorce. He wasn't handling things very well at all. He told me that he was afraid of hurting himself and asked me to be his roommate. Immediately I was thinking this is my chance for redemption. I let my dad down but now I had a chance to do some good.
He had his ups and downs but mostly downs. I took his service pistol and hid it so I knew for sure he wouldn't hurt himself. I talked to him about things several times and of course my answer was to let's go out and have fun to take his mind off of things. He went out a few times but never really had much fun. If I would have been walking with Christ I probably would have done him some good by taking him to church. But I wasn't walking with Christ so I didn't do that. Honestly, I think I hadn't dealt with my tragedy so I wasn't really ready to be taking on someone else's tragedy.
He had kids with his wife and he had a child that just turned one. It was the child's birthday and his wife was going to bring the child to the house to see him. He was so excited. He bought presents and a cake. This was the happiest I had seen him yet. She pulled up to the house and he went outside for a little while. When he came back inside he was totally emotionally destroyed. He really broke down uncontrollably. He told me that she wasn't going to let him see the baby and of course the baby wasn't with her. So he missed the first birthday. He was really upset for some time and I became increasingly worried about him. One day though he seemed really happy and on top of the world. He was smiling and talking to everyone so I was thinking that he is finally coming around. I was feeling very relieved.
On February 19th, 1999, I was sitting at the emergency room talking with someone and there was an EMS worker near me with his radio on blaring away. While I was talking I heard my address come over the radio. I jumped in my police car and ran code all the way home. The dispatch code they gave out was "unresponsive" so I was terrified. As I slid up in the driveway there was a deputy already there and he assumed I was just a responding officer. I saw my friend laying near the garage with a mark around his neck and screamed out his name. The deputy then realized I knew him and tried to pull me away. He was lying there motionless and I knew that he was dead. My chief and major knew what happened and they tried to get to the house before I did but I was the second one on scene behind the deputy. The deputy told me they had just cut him down from inside the garage and that he hung himself with a motorcycle tie down strap (this was before he found out I knew him). As the major and chief pulled up I ripped my duty belt off and my uniform shirt and threw it all on the ground. I told them I couldn't take this anymore. This was a year almost to the day from when my dad killed himself. I had failed again. I took some time off but ultimately quit the police department because I was not mentally able to handle that stress anymore. I moved back down to Summerville near my parents for a few months.
During all of these events, and all of my emotional distress, I still didn't give a thought to God. You would think that of course given my background that He would be the first one I would turn to. Nope not me I can do this on my own right? Nope, I was wrong again. My answer was more drinking and more going out. But I'll get into more of that on my next entry.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
.
I moved in with two friends of mine. One of those friends was married and owned the house we were all staying in. It became crowded pretty quickly so the other roommate that was single rented a mobile home and I decided to split rent with him. During this entire year, I was pretty emotionally drained and still very angry. I still was able to see my kids at my roommates home but still didn't keep them overnight. In all honesty I was beginning to get depressed even though I didn't see it. During this time I still wasn't in church and honestly didn't give a thought about God. Even though I didn't drink much when I did drink it was in excess. That is really the only time I prayed and that was because I was praying for relief from being so drunk I was sick.
As time went by, I had another friend that was also one of my co-workers at the police department who was going through a divorce. He wasn't handling things very well at all. He told me that he was afraid of hurting himself and asked me to be his roommate. Immediately I was thinking this is my chance for redemption. I let my dad down but now I had a chance to do some good.
He had his ups and downs but mostly downs. I took his service pistol and hid it so I knew for sure he wouldn't hurt himself. I talked to him about things several times and of course my answer was to let's go out and have fun to take his mind off of things. He went out a few times but never really had much fun. If I would have been walking with Christ I probably would have done him some good by taking him to church. But I wasn't walking with Christ so I didn't do that. Honestly, I think I hadn't dealt with my tragedy so I wasn't really ready to be taking on someone else's tragedy.
He had kids with his wife and he had a child that just turned one. It was the child's birthday and his wife was going to bring the child to the house to see him. He was so excited. He bought presents and a cake. This was the happiest I had seen him yet. She pulled up to the house and he went outside for a little while. When he came back inside he was totally emotionally destroyed. He really broke down uncontrollably. He told me that she wasn't going to let him see the baby and of course the baby wasn't with her. So he missed the first birthday. He was really upset for some time and I became increasingly worried about him. One day though he seemed really happy and on top of the world. He was smiling and talking to everyone so I was thinking that he is finally coming around. I was feeling very relieved.
On February 19th, 1999, I was sitting at the emergency room talking with someone and there was an EMS worker near me with his radio on blaring away. While I was talking I heard my address come over the radio. I jumped in my police car and ran code all the way home. The dispatch code they gave out was "unresponsive" so I was terrified. As I slid up in the driveway there was a deputy already there and he assumed I was just a responding officer. I saw my friend laying near the garage with a mark around his neck and screamed out his name. The deputy then realized I knew him and tried to pull me away. He was lying there motionless and I knew that he was dead. My chief and major knew what happened and they tried to get to the house before I did but I was the second one on scene behind the deputy. The deputy told me they had just cut him down from inside the garage and that he hung himself with a motorcycle tie down strap (this was before he found out I knew him). As the major and chief pulled up I ripped my duty belt off and my uniform shirt and threw it all on the ground. I told them I couldn't take this anymore. This was a year almost to the day from when my dad killed himself. I had failed again. I took some time off but ultimately quit the police department because I was not mentally able to handle that stress anymore. I moved back down to Summerville near my parents for a few months.
During all of these events, and all of my emotional distress, I still didn't give a thought to God. You would think that of course given my background that He would be the first one I would turn to. Nope not me I can do this on my own right? Nope, I was wrong again. My answer was more drinking and more going out. But I'll get into more of that on my next entry.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)
6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
.
Very inspiring, and very touching :)Beth F.
ReplyDeleteThank you Beth. I'm hoping that when I'm done this will make a difference somewhere with somebody. Its difficult to talk about but its also therapeutic in a way.
ReplyDeleteI just can't even comprehend.... You may very well be a walking miracle.
ReplyDeleteWithout God's intervention I agree I probably wouldn't be walking at all but by His grace I am able to continue. We are all walking miracles lol. There are a lot of people out there that have had a lot of things that happened to them much worse than me. God has protected me and I hope that I can serve Him by helping someone else.
ReplyDelete