The marriage was over and I was living on my own. As I said before, I saw my kids when my ex-wife was working but not overnight. At this time I was on patrol and I enjoyed my job very much. I was not going to church at all and actually began "sowing wild oats". I've never been a drinker of liquor or beer even though my dad was an alcoholic I just never acquired the taste. Some of my friends that were single in the department liked to go out and party so I joined in. For a little while, during the weekends I was off, I regularly went out with my friends and drank. Since I was single I "dated" several women and was living a very sinful lifestyle. I was not ashamed of this at all (though I am very ashamed now).
Its the summer of 1997 and one of the most traumatic events of my life is about to happen. My dad had split with his current wife and was living in a single wide mobile home alone. He just had a heart attack (second big one) and surgery. Our relationship had been strained since he split up with my stepmother when I was 13 so we hadn't talked much. I didn't want him to be alone since he had two major heart attacks so I called him and told him he was going to move in with me in SC. I picked him up with a few belongings and took him back to my apartment. I told him I didn't want him working but just to relax and he could take care of things at the apartment. He agreed to this and also agreed to keep the kids at times. Since he had been living with me he told me he wouldn't drink and especially while he had the kids. He did drink much less frequently but he did start drinking again. He did keep his promise to not drink when he kept the kids. The kids loved him and he loved them very much. After some time went by my dad became anxious to work because although he was an alcoholic he always worked. He found a part time job at a gas station within walking distance. He was excited about it and I was happy he found something. He began to date a woman he worked with who happened to be the manager of the gas station. He began to see her regularly and he started drinking more. I talked to him about this and he wasn't pleased he couldn't drink alcohol like he wanted to. One day he told me that he was moving in with his girlfriend. He moved out and again our relationship was strained. His girlfriend put a lot of negative thoughts in his head like telling him I was keeping his grandchildren from him. In a sense I was because he was drinking a great deal and I didn't want my kids around that so therefore he was not permitted to see them.
One night I was at home and received a call stating that my dad was in a stand-off with the sheriff's office hiding in the woods. My dad had surgery and was on pain medicine. On top of that he had been drinking and was angry with his girlfriend and went outside to shoot his rifle in the wood line. Ever since I was a child he had done this and never attempted harm to anyone but shot a tree or a box. Since he was living out in the county he was doing the same thing but a neighbor heard the shots and called the sheriff's office not knowing what was going on. The sheriff's office responded and my dad saw them coming down the road. He thought it was a friend of his girlfriend and he shot at the ground in the field near the car and it ricocheted striking the windshield of the car and the light bar. The deputy backed out and called for help. After the sheriff arrived (whom I knew) he discovered it was my dad and called for me to come out there to talk him into coming out of the woods so he wouldn't get hurt. After I arrived I spoke with my dad and he finally came out of the woods. When the deputies approached he began to struggle so I tried to help to keep him from getting hurt and as luck would have it I was the one who had to put handcuffs on him. That was one of the hardest moments of my life. My dad knew that I was the one and it really hurt.
He was at the jail and while he was there he was on suicide watch. He began to have heart issues so they took him to the ER. I went to see him while he was there and I had a bad feeling about the way he was talking. He insisted he couldn't go to prison and I told him that I would see what I could do with the sheriff's office and the solicitor's office. In the meantime, I told his girlfriend not to bond him out because I felt like he would attempt to hurt himself if he was out. She bonded him out anyway.
I spoke to the sheriff's office and solicitor's office and pretty much had it worked out that he could plead guilty and get five years probation with alcohol treatment and no time. When I tried to notify him of this I discovered that he attempted to commit suicide by cutting his wrist while intoxicated. He was taken to the hospital and later transported to a mental health facility in Columbia, SC. I spoke to him on the phone a few times over a period of a couple of weeks and told him what was going to happen when he went to court and he seemed at ease with it. On February 12, 1998 I spoke to him that afternoon and he seemed in good spirits. At approximately 7:00PM one of his former co-workers came to my apartment and said his girlfriend told her that my dad again attempted to commit suicide while at the mental health facility. I rushed to the Palmetto Richland Hospital in Columbia with my mother and we were taken into a room. The doctor came in and he asked if I knew why we were at the hospital. I told him that my dad try to commit suicide and he responded that my dad in fact successfully killed himself. I was stunned, angry, sad, confused, and so many other emotions. I immediately broke down and cried. Later I went outside and his girlfriend was out in front of the ER. She asked me if I blamed her and at the time I said no. Later I would find out that after I spoke with him just before he committed suicide, she told him she didn't want him anymore and that he should know he was going to prison when he got out of the hospital. After I discovered what she said I really developed a lot of hate for her.
Along with the many negative things I had to see at work to include murders (adult and child), child abuse, and so many other things, I now had my father's suicide to deal with. I took some time off work but not much and I was not fun for anyone to deal with. My first response should have been to turn to God but that is not at all what I did. I latched on to the anger and sadness. I never really spoke to anyone about this and bottled it up inside. I figured I could handle it on my own. As my preacher told the congregation recently, "You can't fix ANYTHING on your own". Humans are incapable without God whether we admit it or not. If something is fixed it is by his grace and not by our own abilities.
We are close to catching up to current times so stay tuned. Sorry it is so long winded but I'm trying to give enough detail to paint a bigger picture.
Deuteronomy 30: 19,20 (NIV)
19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.
Its the summer of 1997 and one of the most traumatic events of my life is about to happen. My dad had split with his current wife and was living in a single wide mobile home alone. He just had a heart attack (second big one) and surgery. Our relationship had been strained since he split up with my stepmother when I was 13 so we hadn't talked much. I didn't want him to be alone since he had two major heart attacks so I called him and told him he was going to move in with me in SC. I picked him up with a few belongings and took him back to my apartment. I told him I didn't want him working but just to relax and he could take care of things at the apartment. He agreed to this and also agreed to keep the kids at times. Since he had been living with me he told me he wouldn't drink and especially while he had the kids. He did drink much less frequently but he did start drinking again. He did keep his promise to not drink when he kept the kids. The kids loved him and he loved them very much. After some time went by my dad became anxious to work because although he was an alcoholic he always worked. He found a part time job at a gas station within walking distance. He was excited about it and I was happy he found something. He began to date a woman he worked with who happened to be the manager of the gas station. He began to see her regularly and he started drinking more. I talked to him about this and he wasn't pleased he couldn't drink alcohol like he wanted to. One day he told me that he was moving in with his girlfriend. He moved out and again our relationship was strained. His girlfriend put a lot of negative thoughts in his head like telling him I was keeping his grandchildren from him. In a sense I was because he was drinking a great deal and I didn't want my kids around that so therefore he was not permitted to see them.
One night I was at home and received a call stating that my dad was in a stand-off with the sheriff's office hiding in the woods. My dad had surgery and was on pain medicine. On top of that he had been drinking and was angry with his girlfriend and went outside to shoot his rifle in the wood line. Ever since I was a child he had done this and never attempted harm to anyone but shot a tree or a box. Since he was living out in the county he was doing the same thing but a neighbor heard the shots and called the sheriff's office not knowing what was going on. The sheriff's office responded and my dad saw them coming down the road. He thought it was a friend of his girlfriend and he shot at the ground in the field near the car and it ricocheted striking the windshield of the car and the light bar. The deputy backed out and called for help. After the sheriff arrived (whom I knew) he discovered it was my dad and called for me to come out there to talk him into coming out of the woods so he wouldn't get hurt. After I arrived I spoke with my dad and he finally came out of the woods. When the deputies approached he began to struggle so I tried to help to keep him from getting hurt and as luck would have it I was the one who had to put handcuffs on him. That was one of the hardest moments of my life. My dad knew that I was the one and it really hurt.
He was at the jail and while he was there he was on suicide watch. He began to have heart issues so they took him to the ER. I went to see him while he was there and I had a bad feeling about the way he was talking. He insisted he couldn't go to prison and I told him that I would see what I could do with the sheriff's office and the solicitor's office. In the meantime, I told his girlfriend not to bond him out because I felt like he would attempt to hurt himself if he was out. She bonded him out anyway.
I spoke to the sheriff's office and solicitor's office and pretty much had it worked out that he could plead guilty and get five years probation with alcohol treatment and no time. When I tried to notify him of this I discovered that he attempted to commit suicide by cutting his wrist while intoxicated. He was taken to the hospital and later transported to a mental health facility in Columbia, SC. I spoke to him on the phone a few times over a period of a couple of weeks and told him what was going to happen when he went to court and he seemed at ease with it. On February 12, 1998 I spoke to him that afternoon and he seemed in good spirits. At approximately 7:00PM one of his former co-workers came to my apartment and said his girlfriend told her that my dad again attempted to commit suicide while at the mental health facility. I rushed to the Palmetto Richland Hospital in Columbia with my mother and we were taken into a room. The doctor came in and he asked if I knew why we were at the hospital. I told him that my dad try to commit suicide and he responded that my dad in fact successfully killed himself. I was stunned, angry, sad, confused, and so many other emotions. I immediately broke down and cried. Later I went outside and his girlfriend was out in front of the ER. She asked me if I blamed her and at the time I said no. Later I would find out that after I spoke with him just before he committed suicide, she told him she didn't want him anymore and that he should know he was going to prison when he got out of the hospital. After I discovered what she said I really developed a lot of hate for her.
Along with the many negative things I had to see at work to include murders (adult and child), child abuse, and so many other things, I now had my father's suicide to deal with. I took some time off work but not much and I was not fun for anyone to deal with. My first response should have been to turn to God but that is not at all what I did. I latched on to the anger and sadness. I never really spoke to anyone about this and bottled it up inside. I figured I could handle it on my own. As my preacher told the congregation recently, "You can't fix ANYTHING on your own". Humans are incapable without God whether we admit it or not. If something is fixed it is by his grace and not by our own abilities.
We are close to catching up to current times so stay tuned. Sorry it is so long winded but I'm trying to give enough detail to paint a bigger picture.
Deuteronomy 30: 19,20 (NIV)
19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.
Wow.....
ReplyDeleteyou are brave to share this. love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Julie I love you too. Its difficult to share because its so personal and to have to type it out really brings up memories but if it serves to bring someone closer to God, as I hope it does, then its worth it.
ReplyDelete